ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason ([personal profile] ysobel) wrote2017-10-17 03:11 pm
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ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason ([personal profile] ysobel) wrote2017-10-17 12:04 am

Dream emotions

One of my dreams last night evoked a feeling that I have been trying all day to remember, with very little success.

I don't remember the imagery from the dream -- something about coming home after a war, something about the I-character being a prince -- but it's not the imagery I care about. It's the emotion. I can't remember. It was partly like -- oh, I don't know, like a newly crowned (and mostly still school aged) King Peter coming howm to Narnia after his first battle as king; it had elements of Harry returning to Hogwaets after winning some external tournament for Gryffindor (why Gryff in particular and not Hogwarta as a whole I don't know, and the not that sticks out was people back at the castle waiting, like in a Greek myth, to see which color sails adorn the ship, so someone could run back with news of the winner, which makes no sense in a world with magic, but again the visuals don't matter.

And I can't quite remember the emotion.

I think -- in the way you can sometimes remember the shape of a word without remembering the word itself -- it had the shape of a sort of nostalgia, like coming back as an adult to places you frequented as a kid (and things are so much more small and ordinary when you see them with adult eyes). But also a bit of ... deliberate loss? Of having gone to do the thing knowing you'd be changed by it and knowing that you'd never get innocence back, watching kids be kids and being unable to join in because you know too much. And some element of disconnect, like you've been off fighting a battle in Faerie and return triumphant to find that a hundred years have passed overnight and they're really quite happy that you won but you don't know them because they're the great-grandchildren of your baby brother or whatever, and you can't get the missing years back.

Those are the pieces I can remember, but ... echoes, not the source. It's more than that and *I don't remember*. And the more I try, the less I grasp.
stonebender: (Default)
stonebender ([personal profile] stonebender) wrote2017-10-14 02:18 pm
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(no subject)

About 9:20 AM this morning, my mother came to the end of her life. It was not unexpected and I think she went as peacefully as possible. I signed the paperwork to have my mother given hospice care on Wednesday. Friday, my sister Cheryl called saying that the doctor didn’t think Mom had much longer. [personal profile] loracs and I went to see her and stayed most of the afternoon. She recognized me when I arrived and immediately asked where [personal profile] loracs was. (She happened to be right in front of Mom but it hadn’t registered for some reason.) As the afternoon wore on she slept more and more. By the time we left late afternoon, she wasn’t interacting with any of us much. The hospital room wasn’t large and there was plenty of family around. My two sisters, my baby sister’s husband, my brother, [personal profile] loracs, my niece and both nephews and even my great-niece. I had felt largely in the way most of the afternoon. I could’ve stayed longer, but I felt like I’d said my goodbyes to her Wednesday and staying didn’t seem helpful to anyone.

I don’t know if my mother was ever really proud of me, but she did love me very much. She loved [personal profile] loracs and I even think she was fond of [personal profile] serene (even though I don’t think she liked the whole arrangement. :-) She was given the impossible task of raising a severely disabled, stubborn child along with three other children and managed as well as she could. She was a keypunch operator, a bus driver, factory worker, and hotel housekeeper. She did what she needed to keep us safe and healthy. She lived through long lectures from her son on his homework or latest interest. I’m sure that many of those conversations she could barely follow or care about. Yet she always seemed genuinely interested in my silly schoolboy theories and passions. I know I put her through several kinds of hell. Hopefully, she's somewhere arguing with her mother and petting lots of dachshunds and Boston Terriers. Drinking hot cocoa, bowling, working on jigsaw puzzles and watching television. I will miss her so much. I love you Mom.
ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason ([personal profile] ysobel) wrote2017-10-11 06:19 pm
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Urgh

Beauty and the Beast (animated) is one of my favorite Disney movies, and one of my comfort rewatches. So I have been ... skeptical ... about the live action version. Sma potential for awesome, huge potential for messing shit up.

It's on Netflix. So I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and watch.

I got as far as the first song before I switched to something else.

time watched: 11 min )

I am going to watch more of this, but there is only so much I can take at a time.

Meanwhile I will go back to thinking about my not-pretty Beauty and her possibly-autistic Beast...
nilchance: Picture of a pomegranate with spilled seeds, text "I think you're confused, I'm not Persephone" (Default)
Laughing Lady ([personal profile] nilchance) wrote2017-10-09 08:05 pm
Entry tags:

fic: ain't this the life

ain't this the life (4760 words) by nilchance
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Undertale (Video Game)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Sans/Sans (Undertale), Papyrus/Sans (Undertale)
Additional Tags: Underfell Sans, Underfell Papyrus, Friends With Benefits, Fingerfucking, Riding, sans is an uptight asshole, red is just an asshole, Together They Fight Crime, kustard - Freeform, offscreen established fellcest
Summary:

"You're not that stupid." Red leans hard on each word: "I can get you off."

hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
hatman ([personal profile] hatman) wrote2017-10-10 02:47 am

I Need Help

Please brainstorm with me.

What's been going on:


Here's the story so far. It's a few pages long, which I realize is considered a wall of text when you're reading on a screen. (In any other context that would be fairly short. Weird how our perceptions work.) Skim it or whatever you need. But context matters. If you're going to help, you should know where I'm coming from, what I've been through, what I've tried, etc.

The short version is that I've got chronic illness, I'm over the hill, and I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself to make a meaningful life.

The following lists will probably be updated as more things come to mind, but here's the overview:

What I'm trying to do:


  • Find a way to be productive.
  • Find a way to make a positive difference in the world. Better, happier, fairer.
  • See if I can start a business that can at least help support me so I'm not reliant on my family's generosity for the rest of my life.


What I've Got Going For Me:


  • I can listen to people, sympathize with them, and try to be supportive. I have patience and a willingness to try to see different points of view.
  • I have enough money available to maybe start a small business.
  • I can often write clearly to express ideas even when I'm too exhausted to think.
  • I've got an above average knowledge and comprehension of science, politics, and various random subjects. I've got a pretty good memory for concepts I've learned, and I can usually explain them in ways that make sense to people.
  • I've got a loving family and good friends who try their best to be understanding and supportive.
  • My immune system kicks butt, and not just my own.
  • I can sew stuffed animals and pillows. (Though I spend more on materials than I could possibly sell them for.)
  • Puns just come naturally to me. My brain likes to make odd connections between random things.
  • I don't have a wheelbarrow here, but I could probably get one. It's worth listing among our assets. (I do not, however, have a flammable cloak.)


My Limitations:


  • I'm physically exhausted. Getting less than 9 hours of sleep in a night can mess me up for days. It's not uncommon for me to be so weary I can't sit up, can hardly draw breath, am really woozy, etc. On a good day, I can walk a mile or so. But I'll pay for it the next day. On a bad day, I can spend the entire day crashed on the couch, barely functional. I cannot, in general, predict when I'll have good or bad days. A string of bad days can last for months or longer.
  • Attempting to exert myself, mentally or physically, exhausts me frighteningly fast. That can include keeping up with realtime conversations, particularly via audio instead of text.
  • My nerves are hypersensitive. I'm constantly in pain. Bright lights, loud noises, high pitched noises, physical contact, etc. etc. are painful. More some days than others. But a friendly slap on the back can ache for several minutes. On rough days, I'm sensitive enough that people making small sounds halfway across the house, though a closed door, while I'm wearing high-end noise dampening ear protectors designed for the gun range, can still be overwhelming.
  • I've got a non-24 "free running" sleep schedule, meaning that I'm awake different hours from week to week. I generally average a 25 hour day, but it can be hard to predict more than a couple of weeks in advance (at best) what hours I'll be awake. Makes regular commitments very difficult.
  • Due to the exhaustion, it can be hard to focus mentally, and I can't maintain focus for long.
  • I'm somewhat dyslexic. (It runs in the family, but I can never remember on which side...) Possibly related is a difficulty translating information from one form to another. It makes coding and diagrams very difficult.
  • I've also got various other autoimmune disorders. Diabetes, hypothyroidism, alopecia totalis (i.e. no hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes).


What I'm Looking For:


  • Practical advice for what I can do.
  • Brainstorming for what kind of business I can start that would employ others in a way that makes a positive impact on the world and generates income for me.


What I'm Not Looking For:


  • "Buck up. Others have it worse." Irrelevant. Yes, you can always find someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your own struggles aren't real. I'm dealing with my life. My limits. My needs. I'm dealing mentally as best I can. But I need actual practical solutions. Being told to just cheer up and/or get over it is unhelpful.
  • "Have you tried this cure/treatment?" I've been at this for decades. I've worked with more doctors than I can count. We've done research. I've tried medications and treatment regimens. I've explored some "alternative" treatments. I know how to meditate. I'm doing the best I can for myself. Medical marijuana isn't for me and it's not a magical cure-all. If you've got some suggestion that's got actual clinical evidence, I'll consider it. But odds are I've already tried it or been advised by a medical professional that it doesn't apply to my individual case.
  • "Seek professional help." I've tried. Psychiatrists, psychologists, antidepressants, a hypnotherapist. It hasn't been helpful. And it's not what I'm looking for now. I need to address the root issue.
  • Unhelpful or negative comments. I'll ignore them. Spam and trolling will be deleted.


Anyone can comment. I'll respond as I can, if I have something to say. You do not have to have an account or log in to comment, but if you comment anonymously I would appreciate it if you would tell me who you are. If you're not comfortable doing that, I understand.

You can also sign in using OpenID. You should be able to use your WordPress, Blogspot, AOL, Yahoo, LiveJournal, or other participating account to sign in here. You just need your provider's OpenID URL and to be logged in at that provider. For more information, you can try OpenID Explained or the Wikipedia article. (Yeah, I know. You probably haven't used any of those services in years. But the option is there if you want.)

Alternatively, you can message me on Discord (WearsHats) or Twitter (@hataroni) or email me (hatman at dreamwidth dot org). I'd prefer to keep everything here in one place, especially since it allows people to review what others have said and bounce ideas around. But if public comments don't work for you, I'll take them where I can.

You may share this post if you think doing so would bring in helpful responses.
digitalghosts: valentin_icon (Default)
Arseholes Anonymous ([personal profile] digitalghosts) wrote2017-10-08 01:52 am

When you join extremists, you need to step back

Hello blog I never use but am planning to migrate our personal journal to - mostly for easier sorting and us being able to comment properly on our own posts which we can control better.

Essentially, done some thinking on how I personally react on the internet or how I consume it - the answer is - really badly. The result is a black & white thinking sinkhole which sits heavily on my shoulder.

Previously, I usually read trusted magazines on politics, like Polish "Newsweek" and "Wprost" - for all else I had telly news and blogs were an expansion providing commentary to events. I started my day with looking at usual websites for updates then moved on to work on things, watch stuff or *gasp* talked to people.

Recently read an entry on how we are currently constantly tapped into content stream and some forms demand us to react immediately and even if not - other whom we read or interact with might. Some folks can rock at snap responses while some don't - like myself - which is where we do not fully cover the subject or glance at it from the side but jump right in.

Recently, I made a drunk post on Tumblr as alcoholism is amazing and it just pushes me encouragingly towards impulssive decisions (it is by far better than last year or any other previous years where I had drunk till I puked). It essentially had been all 'fuck you, British government! You kill disabled people but you have not killed me so I will take you down with me' post. I had a disability panel the following morning and been stressed out of my mind, also bitter and angry - the problem is 'how' I written it, as contents do ring true BUT screeching like a banshee at the internet does not help a thing. Certainly, venting this way can be beneficial to writers and readers but it is not for me. Other thing - I done it plenty other times when sober.

Moving on, the constant stream is a noise you can make quieter but still is there. Our insomnia got worse and we sleep four ours tops because ... we cannot stop reading everything - one falls asleep and other one takes over so needs to catch up on their stuff. It is not bad by itself as we all follow different things and have very different skills, hobbies and content preferences. However, when we all end up reading same things over and over again when energy could be spent on ... books? Magazines? Blogs we like? Youtube channels (we do not follow any reactionarry bar Cracked we also read).

I am barely able to complete reading a book and I have several unfinished because my mind gave up or got distracted. Even those political magazines are just there, waiting, under our pillows. Guess what? I do take phone to bed and am typing on it now - before only books, magazines and Kindle were allowed. Or people.

Not many folks are still in the blog-like sector as even those commercialised which is grand for some but not my thing. I guess the case of being the change is true so going back to blogging whilst this journal will be for daily stuff and private things (I did almost archive all blogs but am sure some still need manual input like those darn Tumblrs). At the moment, me and my husband Miles, are working on a photo blog since we both got into that by total accident as we looked into making videos which still shall happen BUT can write and chronicle making process as well.

I did renew payment on this journal for all the batch edits, filters and privacy settings plus did plug in a lot of custom RSS feeds for ease of reading. Could not sleep last night either so set up a proper server for hosting multiply Wordpress instances, all the photos and several domains. The company I went was recommended to me by lots of folks due to their good support and plans based around Unique Users per month. It is unlikely we reach 5k limit for a year we paid for ... and surprise, surprise - it was only 30 pounds per year. Am certain that the speed would stutter at bigger portals which need unlimited storage space but for blogs and portfolios it should be okay. Not that I seen anyone complain about anything

I shall do links in this post tomorrow from laptop as original entry that got me thinking needs to be plugged and all our server research.

On a totally unrelated note - our PC is dying and no part seems faulty but it refuses to turn on unless we try that for 10 times. Awfully glad we used opportunity to buy a laptop when we had extra money (we did go with a machine stronger than PC - it has newer GPU and latest i7 edition [desktop had the first one], lots of memory and good cooling) as would be sobbing by now. Not pleased I had to buy extra drive to copy PC files onto as ... already had done that and cane across a scammer ... on Amazon. Two years later and no one heard anything. Irony is we bought same drive and price only changed 10 pounds. Ah ... currency speculation and virtual mining... Our intent is to format internal drives and reinstall all after careful manual clean of hardware parts. Maybe will help - files are being copied now.

Now I go tap into more of those tasty streams till I collapse of exhaustion.

Valentin
vass: cover of album "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" (Yuletide Hippopotamus)
Vass ([personal profile] vass) wrote2017-10-08 01:22 am
Entry tags:

Dear Yuletide Writer

This is a placeholder. It will become an actual letter in the next two days. First of all, sorry it wasn't actually the next two days.

Second, thank you for writing for me. I hope you have a good Yuletide.

General likes: queer and trans people, mutual respect, kindness, competence, people who are jerks but not THAT much of a jerk, people working together, people who get other, kissing, hugging, co-sleeping, good worldbuilding, infodumps, humour, robots, dinosaurs, computers, AI, spaceships, cats. Gen is fine, shipping is also fine. Experimental formats and/or interactive fiction are fine if that's something you're interested in doing.

Do Not Wants: animal harm, rape/noncon, underage, misgendering, 'curing' the asexual or aromantic characters, ableism.

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
I just really love Murderbot, and if you nominated this I'm guessing you do too. Here are some general ideas, but please don't feel limited to them. What sort of books/movies/tv shows would make a Murderbot have to sleep with the lights on? Or need to argue with people on the net about them? Murderbot in fandom. (This seems like a fandom that would lend itself to experimental formats. And also like a fandom that didn't need that fourth wall anyway.) Murderbot writes fic. Murderbot's first OTP. Murderbot takes part in a seasonal fanfic exchange? (Please stick with Murderbot's choice of pronouns, and don't furnish it with a sexuality or romantic attraction or desire to be "more human." Thank you.)

Machineries of Empire
This year I requested Mikodez and Istradez and Zehun, and I'm interested in the family dynamics (biological and found) between Mikodez and Istradez, and Mikodez and Zehun, and how weirdly touchingly domestic and sweet they get while deeply complicit in and being both corrupted by and damaged by a thoroughly evil system, oh and also facing assassination attempts all the time; and Mikodez's position as someone trying to hold the line and restrain his hexarch peers from making things worse even while he's unable to make things better. So I guess I'm saying I'm open to angst or fluff for this fandom.

spoilers )

Riot Nrrd

If you offered to write this, you're awesome, and probably in a very small minority of people who offered it. :D I love this comic, it's one of those finished or permanently-on-hiatus comics where the characters live on in my brain and I keep wondering how they're doing or what they think of insert-current-event-here (see also Waiting For Bob, Jake The Rake, Dykes To Watch Out For...)

So what I would love most of all is some futurefic featuring Wren, Maria, Nhi, Samantha, or any other Riot Nrrd characters you feel like writing about. What new fandoms are they in? How did their studies go? What are they doing now? Are they okay? How are they coping with 2017? (Or if you want to go AU and put them in a happier timeline where current political events did not happen, I am cool with that too!)

Suradanna and the Sea

I read this one after Yuletide nomination closed, and went "darn, I would have liked to nominate that," then was delighted to find that someone else had nominated it.

I'm particularly interested in what happened after that. Especially for the Captain. What does she do with her life after that? And just generally in how their lives intertwine and about being the only people left who have that shared history. And a shared future, whether they stay together or not (do they end up iiiin spaaaaaace?) This is another fandom that might work with experimental formatting, I think -- like primary source history through the ages.

In conclusion, thank you again and I hope Yuletide goes well for you.
vass: Jon Stewart reading a dictionary (books)
Vass ([personal profile] vass) wrote2017-10-07 07:04 am
Entry tags:

Google Translate

I saw this tweet about how if you translate the sentences "He is a babysitter. She is a doctor." from English into Turkish (a language with no third person gendered pronouns) you get "She is a babysitter. He is a doctor." The algorithm made a sexist assumption as to which English third person pronoun would apply.

So I tested it for myself, and yep. (To be clear, I wasn't doubting the OP's veracity, but Google's search engine gives different results to different people, so I wouldn't be surprised if its translator did too.) So I remembered [personal profile] yhlee mentioning that Korean doesn't use gendered third person pronouns either. I gave it a try. "He is a babysitter. She is a doctor." Still accurate.

I tried English -> Turkish -> Korean -> English. Sexist again. I tried English -> Korean -> Turkish -> English. Also sexist. Which is weird, that it happened both ways. If the Turkish algorithm's the problem, I would have expected running it through Korean to rinse out the assumptions. I guess the algorithm is both smarter and stupider than I thought.

With the help of Wikipedia's page on third-person pronouns I selected Finnish for further experimentation. "She is a nanny. She is a doctor. (But I'm glad Finnish Google knows women can be doctors even if it hasn't learned that men can be childcare workers yet.)

So, Finnish Google Translate vs Google Translate! Fight!
English -> Finnish -> Turkish -> English: "She's a nanny. He is a doctor."
English -> Turkish -> Finnish -> English: "She is a nanny. She is a doctor."

According to the same Wikipedia page, in Korean you can say 그녀 or 그 if you need to differentiate between male or female for translation or creative writing purposes. I went back and checked, and yep, that's what Korean Google is doing, and is why it's not introducing errors like Turkish and Finnish do.

Along the way I got bored of "He is a babysitter. She is a doctor." and added a third person plural.

And then something beautiful happened. If you run "He is a babysitter. She is a doctor. Together they fight crime" through Google Translate English -> Korean -> Turkish -> English, you get the best Babelfish I've seen in years:

"She is a babysitter. He is a doctor. They commit crimes together."